Things that happen when you're looking for love

I'm not entirely sure why, but today I found myself thinking of all the reasons why I'm gun-shy about dating. It could be a confluence of conversations I've had with friends -- friends who think it'd be great if I were in a relationship, friends who are concerned that I've become bitter, friends who are worried that I'll die alone, friends who think I should "put myself out there."

I'm 43 years old. I've been divorced. I've been engaged and disengaged. I've been around. I've been "out there." And the reason I don't consider romance a priority, the reason why my head isn't turned so easily, is that it is so rarely worth the risk. Don't get me wrong -- I know that I am part of the problem. I have a "bad picker" when it comes to men. I am drawn toward the crazy and dramatic. The few times I have consciously tried to "pick" a nice, stable guy, he hasn't wanted me, or he's ended up not being as nice and stable as I thought and the whole thing descends into chaos when I'm not prepared for it. So rather than "put myself out there," I just kinda hang out with my friends and myself, being awesome and having fun for my own sake, and I don't really think that's a bad thing. And if some guy happens to notice that I'm awesome and having fun, then sure, we can talk and maybe something will happen, but I'm not going out of my way for it. Here's why.

Real Lies

I have been lied to so much. Not just little ones like "I was helping a buddy fix his car" when he was actually at a strip joint, or "I'm not cheating on you." Major ones like:

I'll come back for you.
I'll never walk again.
I'm dying.
I can provide us a livelihood so you can do your creative thing.
It's okay, I'm taking my meds for it.
I quit doing meth.

And everyone's favorite:
I love you.

These are the kinds of things that affect life decisions. They've directed me in making plans to fit around the situation -- not just what's best for my heart, but shit like jobs and living situations and financial decisions.

But the one thing I've learned from dealing with this level of deception is how to turn on a dime. Thanks, liars, for helping me build resilience and flexibility, even as it became less likely for me to trust someone I'm in a romantic relationship with.

Emotional Abuse

Constant belittling and insults and gaslighting and creating stressful situations on purpose and I could go on. Just ... here.

But it's made me stronger and more sure of myself, so thanks, emotional abusers, for helping me with that.

The Online Jungle

Just as in real life, online dating is not the same for women as it is for men, so when guys tell me I should give it a try, I cringe. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, I have:

Received unsolicited dick pics and obscene phone calls
Met a guy online and within 15 minutes gotten a message asking if I shave my pussy (is that how you approach women in bars?)
Been cyberstalked for years by a guy because I said no
Been insulted because I didn't respond or didn't immediately start sending nude pics
Had enough of a decent conversation with a guy to come to trust him only to have him "ghost" rather than meet in person
Used a dating site's sophisticated algorithm that finds life partners and been paired with a bunch of social conservatives who don't read

Every once in a while, it seems like a good idea to join some site to meet some new people, because I actually like people and it's fun to have "friends who live in your computer" sometimes, but then I remember the harassment and other fun and fascinating things that happen online, and I run away screaming.

But it's shown me that there's some shit I absolutely will not put up with, and that I am actually an old-fashioned kind of woman, and so it's helped me know myself better. So thanks, people who seem to think I'm a cunt on legs with no brain or heart -- you've shown me who I am not.

The Conclusion

Each one of these things could be the subject of long, long posts or essays or what have you, and maybe someday they will be. But plenty of women have already written plenty of words about the bizarre and insane shit they've been subjected to in a relationship (and yeah ... I didn't even get into the things I've seen other women go through -- women I love like sisters who've been beaten and cheated on and abandoned). But friends, consider this the nutshell answer to "Why are you single?" "Why aren't you looking for a man?" "Why aren't you putting yourself out there?" "Don't you want to be in love?"

It's not a surprise that I'm perhaps overly cautious. It is a surprise that I'm still willing to entertain the thought of opening my heart to somebody at all. Because damn. Damn. Once again, I ask my friends not to pity me or worry about me because there's no hot sexy romance in my life -- respect what I've been through, respect that I've been through it without becoming a raging alcoholic or actual crazy cat lady, and respect the fact that historically, I do better standing alone.